Mitchell's Mustard Blog

October 19, 2012

Radiant Panic

Filed under: A Little Something — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — mitchellsmustard @ 8:35 pm

She’s radiant.

‘What are your thoughts on *****?’ was the question.

The word radiant seemed to just pinch the correct amount of pleasant and attractive to give a small insight into my thoughts. The reason I can answer the question without a moment’s silence was because I know her, she was once the love of my life. I can’t help but think that’s why the question was directed at me in the first place but what I didn’t realise was that she had just walked in and joined the queue I was standing in for my morning coffee.

“Fuck” was the first word that slipped out of my mouth, my friend laughed as I received a few disapproving looks from my fellow early risers.

The reason for the blue outburst was that I had pictured this moment over and over in my mind, if I bumped into her, what would I say? The out worn rehearsals were just about to be tested. She clocked me and smiled; I blushed, smiled and didn’t quite know what to do with my hands. My skin started to prickle under the heat of embarrassment, she signalled to meet at an empty table once we’d picked up our coffee. I offered to get hers but she refused. She obviously hadn’t lost the independent trait that I loved and loathed about her.

“Fuck” I said it again, the looks came again but I didn’t give a shit this time. They can stare all they like because I was a man in need, a man in need of an escape. How do you tell a radiant, beautiful women who’s attached that you’ve never stopped thinking about her? She’s happy with another bloke, enjoying her life. How do you tell her that you’ve never managed to get over her and that if things were different you’d do anything to claw back what you had? The answers to those questions are that you can’t tell her shit.

“Excuse me sir, what can I get you?”

She had asked me three times already but my thoughts where elsewhere.

“Err, sorry. A black coffee in a takeout mug please.”

I could hear some people behind me quietly cheer as I snapped out of my day-dream and ordered, these morning coffee drinkers can be a rowdy fucking lot.

I picked my coffee up and paid; as I turned I caught her attention and pointed to a vacant table in the corner. She nodded in acceptance.

“Good luck” my friend said as he picked up his coffee, tapped me on the shoulder making his way to the door. I was now all alone.

Pulling the chair out from under the table made a high-pitched squeak, another reason why the morning coffee bandits wanted to see the back of me. They all stared at me like I had just finger banged their favourite Chiwawa, she laughed. She had a beautiful laugh. I sat toying with my cup of coffee, trying not to look at her in the queue. I didn’t want to look impatient, nervous or even excited. I just wanted to look like a guy waiting for a girl in a coffee shop. No pressure.

I could tell her how I feel; she could be feeling the same. Maybe she’s not happy and never has been since we parted ways. All my hopeful thoughts partnered up with negative energy. I could tell her how I feel with a result of her just staring at me while the whole coffee shop population laugh into their morning fix. Even worse, she could laugh at me. It was a beautiful laugh but it would hurt like hell.

I started to get hot and could feel my skin prickle again as she paid for her drink, most probably green tea. She turned and headed over to the table, I had to make a quick decision whether or not to tell her my thoughts. ‘Fuck it’ I thought if she’s drinking green tea I won’t tell her, if there’s anything else in her cup then I will. It was a subconscious way of getting out of this situation unscathed because I knew that green tea was all she drank this early in the morning.

“Green tea?” I asked as she silently pulled her chair out from under the table.

“What? Oh . . no its coffee.” she replied

‘Fuck’ I thought to myself, she looked at me like she may have heard it.

“You ok? It’s been a long time since I last saw you” she asked

“Yeah I’m good thanks, matter of fact I’m pleased we’ve bumped into each other because there was something I wanted to talk to you about” I could feel the heat rise from my neck upwards, she must be able to see that I was burning up.

“Oh right, and what would that be?” she asked with a raised eyebrow and a playful smile.

It was now or never, I could hear my own heartbeat as it beat like a ticking bomb. I picked, played and tapped my coffee mug; I lifted my eyes from the table to meet hers. ‘Fuck it’ I thought.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you about something, about how I feel” I stuttered

“About how you feel? Ok, what’s up?” she looked worried

Suddenly her phone started to ring, a high-pitched tune that broke the tension on the table.

“Yeah . . . Well I’ve . . .” I started.

“Sorry I’ve got to take this” she cut in once she’d looked at the screen.

I was just about to spill my heart out onto the table for her to catch or dodge and her phone decided to ring, there was someone sitting somewhere on the other end of that call I wanted to punch.

“Hello . . . . Oh hi . . . . yep . . . . yep . . . what . . right now?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair; I could feel all the people around me laughing.

“Ok . . . I’m on my way” she hung up.

“I’ve got to go, sorry. Can we carry on with this conversation later? You’ve got my number, right? She asked whilst standing up

“It was good to see you” I said with a smile.

She smiled and headed for the door, I watched as she glided across the room and out into the morning sun. I knew I didn’t have her number, I had deleted it when we first split up so I didn’t drunk dial her.

The panic had gone; she had gone but the population of the coffee shop were still there, a queue of regulars for their morning fix. I stood up and made my way to the door, the moment I moved someone stepped into my place at the table and took my seat, easily replaced.

‘Fuck’ is all I could think.



  1. I think this is the beginning of a short story and is certainly how we have all felt at some time over a lost opportunity,I really liked itand strangely for someone my age I thought the swear words were appropriate..

    Comment by Rose Ramshaw — January 23, 2013 @ 6:57 pm

    • I recently bumped into an ex girlfriend in a coffee shop, this is how the idea came about. Luckly this situation doesn’t mirror my own. I can sometimes get a little carried away with the language but I also feel that it adds passion to the situation.

      Thank you for reading and commenting


      Comment by mitchellsmustard — January 28, 2013 @ 10:48 am

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