Mitchell's Mustard Blog

June 19, 2010

Im Only Human . .

Filed under: A Little Something — mitchellsmustard @ 12:01 pm

I will never forget the phone call from my mum to tell me my grandma had died, I was devastated. When I was younger I never appreciated how much my grandma did for me and how much I loved her, she lived in London and when we went to see her I always wanted to stay at home and go out with my friends. When we were there my brother and I just messed about and wanted to see what trouble we could get into. She had this little house that always smelt of soap and was full of brass ornaments, she always had grapes which I always ate far too many of. Very often when I see grapes or eat grapes I picture her in her little house, always makes me smile. She came to our house one Christmas and stayed for a week or two; it was a different experience to have her at our’s and I enjoyed her company more. While she was there she had a stroke and became very ill. She was my mum’s mum and she decided to move her closer to us so my mum could look after her, she became a resident in a local medical old people’s home and it all went downhill from there. Because of her stroke it paralysed her down one side of her body, after a while she could walk again and got her movement back but she never got her full speech back. She slurred all of her words and I found it really hard to understand her, it was a little like trying to understand someone who was constantly drunk. When she spoke to me I felt really uncomfortable because I was the only one who didn’t understand her and I could see the frustration in her face, she was getting annoyed with herself because she couldn’t speak properly. I wanted to have a conversation with her to find out how she was feeling and if there was anything I could do to help but I knew it upset me as much as it did her; I was young and dealt with it the only way I knew and stopped going to see her because I didn’t want her to be upset. I don’t regret many things I’ve done but this certainly is close to the top of my list, I could have dealt with the situation better and sometimes wish I had. When she died I realised that I would never get another chance to tell her that I loved her and how much I loved the time I spent with her, it’s taken time for me to realise that she will always be in my heart. My grandma was cremated whether that was her wishes or my mum’s, I went to the cremation and I was the only member of the family who didn’t cry. I remember it being a very sad day and everyone around me crying but I just couldn’t cry, I think I remember trying to make myself cry because I didn’t want everyone there to think I didn’t care. That evening I got drunk and stoned and went down to the grave yard, they were going to bury her ashes the next day so when I got there the hole had been dug but it had a piece of wood covering it. I sat cross-legged crying and once I had started I couldn’t stop. I was talking to this hole in the floor like I was mad, I buried something close to me at the bottom of the hole so it would always be close to her and in my drunken ramble I promised to buy her a star so when I die I could meet her there. Since then I had a star tattoo on my shoulder to remind me of my future purchase, it is on my back and will always remind me of my family and the great people who made me who I am. I never met my mum’s dad or my dad’s mum and dad so my grandma was special to me but I was too young to understand that at the time, I know she knows I love her and miss her and she will always be with me.

My Auntie died a few years later and I went to the funeral and once again I was the only person who didn’t cry but this time I didn’t try to, every family death you go through makes you stronger for the next one.

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